if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
