I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
