your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Drake has all the answers
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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