The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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