guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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