So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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