I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I wanna passion pit in your ass
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
