K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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