so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
