man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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