My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
