My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
