My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
