So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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