i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
