Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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