Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
