I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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