I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
