hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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