I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
