I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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