I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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