my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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