There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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