I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
