She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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