today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
