Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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