You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
