I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
