Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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