i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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