I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
