he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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