Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
