I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
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