Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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