My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
