She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
