Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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