we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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