Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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