I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
