nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
