OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
