sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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