he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
