They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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