Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
